And so I’ve been in spiritual limbo for some time now. Part of my esoteric path was also an eastern path. This led me into notions of the relativity of all concepts, the impossibility of finding ultimate truth in them. Reality as beyond concepts. Words and concepts more and more over time became interesting play things, interesting in their effects on individuals and their thought processes and behavior, but all ultimately relative and inadequate. I actually believed this transcendence of concepts to be a major part of ‘the path to enlightenment.’ I was passionate about this idea, which while it still resonates with me in ways, that passion isn’t there in the same way. And yet it certainly relates to this ‘state of limbo’ I have been in, because I have studied and tried to get into the mindset of various spiritual and philosophic systems, ways of thinking and being, and have felt a definite detachment to all of them. I have basically tried to trick myself into taking them seriously, because of my belief that there IS an actuality to ‘spirituality.’ But really I float between ideologies easily, because I am really detached from them all.
At first I just saw this as a positive which related to my way of thinking. I’m detached, I’m not caught in concepts, and I can play with them. But, in another way it has really led to a loss of a sense of genuine spirituality. I seem to go back and forth between trying to get into a particular spiritual mindset, and then eventually come to feel like it’s nonsense, pointless, and then try to find something else. There’s a certain void there. I cannot deny my experiences, and I cannot deny my belief in the spiritual and my desire for it. But, I just cant find it. Sometimes I feel like, I don’t care about the spiritual systems. There is something greater, something spiritual. It is not separate from me, at least entirely. I am at least connected to it. And so I’m almost at a point of saying, I don’t know what the real spirituality is. I don’t have the answers. But I desire it, whatever it is. And I want to open myself to whatever it is that is genuinely spiritual within myself. And try to find a spirituality which is not fake. Which is not me TRYING to get into some mindset, trying to believe something, and not think contrary things. And these ideas of reality originating from or being consciousness are still attractive to me in a way, which makes it more difficult yet, because then it’s simply my inability to get in and stay in the right mindset that is stopping me. So, I don’t have answers. But I desire them. And whatever it may be, I want the spirituality I find to be genuine.